Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Mother Load...and the Mother Post!

Yesterday was absolutely wonderful--no kids, no husband, no problems! Just me in a nice quiet, dark room with soothing music playing as the girl rubbed some goop on my face and body. Two hours of pure bliss--I highly recommend this as the ONLY way to celebrate any birthday beyond 30!
However, I must've had WAY too much time to relax and think because I have decided to go back to school. Lord. Help. Me. (not a cliche, but a sincere cry to God to help!!) It's been really bugging me as to how I can help what I have witnessed over the past week or so. I have no more space in my home right now, so I can't take anymore kids in! But a few years ago, I started working on the Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. Then, life happened. I got divorced and felt that who was I to tell people how to solve their problems if I can't solve my own? So, I switched majors and got my Masters in Leadership and Ethics. It seemed the perfect idea--at the time ABF paid 1/2 of my tuition and it really helped me to get my current job in pharma sales. I am so happy with my new job and glad to have the degree, but I have always thought that I would love to finish the MFT program. But I was so insecure about pursuing it--now I am divorced, so am I qualified to counsel anyone? I felt that I wasn't good enough to do it. But yesterday, I had some good quality time to read Beth Moore's book "So Long Insecurity". If you don't read Katie's blog (and you should...what a sweet family!), then you might not be familiar with the book. Katie has a great story about how it has touched her and I can say that it is an absolutely WONDERFUL book so far!! Thanks again Katie for your candidness about the book--I don't know if I would've gotten it out of the bag or not. Why? Because again, I felt that if I have to read some book on insecurity, then who am I to help anyone? Beth sent me the answer straight from the Big Man himself in her book. I am the perfect person for the job! Why? Because I have been through a lot. I have had a lot of life experiences--challenges that have made me so much stronger. Challenges that have made me a better wife the second time around, a better Mom, and a much better friend. I am NOT a perfect person--I have made my fair share (and then many more) mistakes in life.
I had always had this perception of Beth Moore as this perfect little Christian woman who is much more competent and much better at helping people than me. But two pages in the book and I learned a lot--she's not perfect either! What? Nope, she's not and that has helped her to help others!
In just the first 40 pages of the book, I have seen many places where insecurity has sabotaged parts of my life. It's been such an eye-opener for me to see that it's so common among women, too. I struggle daily with the guilt that comes with being a Mom who works outside the home. I feel like I am not fulfilling my womanly duties by not being with my kids or being able to volunteer. I do my best to go to as many activities as I can for my kids, but I can't do it all. And I hate that. I also struggle where so many women my husband going to leave me for someone else one day? So sad, but that is such a huge concern. And by being insecure about that, all that I accomplish is worrying myself to death over something that honestly is not something to worry about. Worrying over something won't make it not happen. Like Katie, I recently had a "friend break-up". But, over the last two months, I have fully realized that I made a decision to end the friendship for the right reasons. And I have to admit that the lack of drama in my and Richie's life has reduced dramatically! I hate the outcome for several reasons, but I know deep down that if this was a healthy friendship for us, then the results would've been completely different.
Heck, as I type these things, insecurity tries to eat away at me....will I offend someone with what I am saying? Will they think less of me? Will they use my faults against me? Will they think I am bragging about something? Insecurity is SO debilitating!
So, back to the MFT program--I set several parameters that had to be met before I would even consider it. First, I wasn't going to pay for anymore schooling! Guess what? My company offers 100% reimbursement! Secondly, I would only consider it if I didn't have to "retest" to enter the graduate program. Answer: the guy at the school told me I am good since I have already completed a Masters with them. Thirdly, I wouldn't do this if my hours from my last attempt at the degree didn't carry forward AND if my 2 core classes required by the university from the other degree didn't transfer over. Answer: ALL of it counts, giving me 18 hours of the program already completed before I start! That's nearly 1/3 of the program under my belt before I ever take another class. What a blessing!
So, I guess God can't thump me on the head any harder with all of these messages....I am going to finish the degree. And I just hope that somehow I can find a way to use it to make a difference somewhere. I don't have any intentions of changing careers--I love my job right now. But I know there are many other opportunities out there--church, etc.
So, everyone pray for Richie.....he's gonna need it.


Erin said...

Wow! I am totally impressed, both by your wilingness to share openly, and your desire to go back to school!! You can totally do it...and what a wonderful degree to have!

SheWolf said...

Erin-Thank you! That was kind of a hard post, but I firmly believe you have to mark your starting position if you want to measure how far you've come in that's what I've done. Sorry I missed you guys at the book fair!

Katie said...

Your so sweet. I am just tyring to be real in all areas of my life hoping to help others. I think you would be great in this role. You could help people especially christian people that have been through hard stuff. Also the stigma of having to be perfect I think you could really relate and make them not afraid to get help. Keep your chin up!! Believe in yourself you can do it,just keep praying about it.