Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Thank you

First I want to tell everyone thank you for their well wishes, phone calls, flowers, dinner and thoughtful words. It's great to have such supportive and compassionate people around us. It's a hard time, but everyday gets a little better. I have debated whether or not I wanted to write about my feelings on here, but I decided to go ahead and write a little bit. It's not really for anyone reading it, but more for me. I hope to read this post one day and realize how far I have come because today I can't imagine a time when I feel at peace with this. I think I have had every feeling imaginable. I am currently not on speaking terms with God. Maybe that sounds harsh, but when you weren't expecting something and get a surprise only to have it ripped from you, it's hard to understand. I sincerely appreciate people thoughts and prayers, but when someone tells me they are going to pray for me and my family, my first response is to ask, "why?". I prayed everyday that I knew I was pregnant, yet it was in vain. I was in even surprisingly calm for me and didn't get worried and anxious over the slightest little twinge or the absence of symptoms. I actually thanked God for making it so easy on me. But deep down, I thought something was wrong. Yet, I trusted God and prayed everyday. Yes, I know I have two healthy kids. I have been reminded by people during this and I wouldn't trade them for anything. But Richie doesn't have any and I want him to know that awesome feeling of holding something that you had a hand in creating. Something that wouldn't exist without you. I just get so frustrated that someone that doesn't even want a baby is able to get pregnant, that a woman who could care less about the child during pregnancy so she smokes, drinks, etc. And then the people that are blessed with kids only to abuse them and neglect them. And what about the people that don't even believe in God and they have kid after kid after kid? Why?
Plenty of people have told me that this miscarriage is God's way of taking care of something that wouldn't have been healthy. Well, why couldn't he have made it healthy? He can do all things right? He's perfect right? Then why do we have to suffer through imperfection? What good is it for me to experience this loss? So that I can help others through it? Why not allow it to happen in the first place. I don't understand. No, I don't want to bring an unhealthy baby into this world only to watch it suffer and see how cruel our world can be by the way they would treat it.
I just get so sick of seeing everyone else get blessing after blessing and chance after chance. I feel like I have busted my butt with nothing to show compared to the person down the road who seems to have no bad luck.
This is a bitter post I know, but I need a place to start so that hopefully I will move forward.

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