Thank you

First I want to tell everyone thank you for their well wishes, phone calls, flowers, dinner and thoughtful words. It's great to have such supportive and compassionate people around us. It's a hard time, but everyday gets a little better. I have debated whether or not I wanted to write about my feelings on here, but I decided to go ahead and write a little bit. It's not really for anyone reading it, but more for me. I hope to read this post one day and realize how far I have come because today I can't imagine a time when I feel at peace with this. I think I have had every feeling imaginable. I am currently not on speaking terms with God. Maybe that sounds harsh, but when you weren't expecting something and get a surprise only to have it ripped from you, it's hard to understand. I sincerely appreciate people thoughts and prayers, but when someone tells me they are going to pray for me and my family, my first response is to ask, "why?". I prayed everyday that I knew I was pregnant, yet it was in vain. I was in even surprisingly calm for me and didn't get worried and anxious over the slightest little twinge or the absence of symptoms. I actually thanked God for making it so easy on me. But deep down, I thought something was wrong. Yet, I trusted God and prayed everyday. Yes, I know I have two healthy kids. I have been reminded by people during this and I wouldn't trade them for anything. But Richie doesn't have any and I want him to know that awesome feeling of holding something that you had a hand in creating. Something that wouldn't exist without you. I just get so frustrated that someone that doesn't even want a baby is able to get pregnant, that a woman who could care less about the child during pregnancy so she smokes, drinks, etc. And then the people that are blessed with kids only to abuse them and neglect them. And what about the people that don't even believe in God and they have kid after kid after kid? Why?
Plenty of people have told me that this miscarriage is God's way of taking care of something that wouldn't have been healthy. Well, why couldn't he have made it healthy? He can do all things right? He's perfect right? Then why do we have to suffer through imperfection? What good is it for me to experience this loss? So that I can help others through it? Why not allow it to happen in the first place. I don't understand. No, I don't want to bring an unhealthy baby into this world only to watch it suffer and see how cruel our world can be by the way they would treat it.
I just get so sick of seeing everyone else get blessing after blessing and chance after chance. I feel like I have busted my butt with nothing to show compared to the person down the road who seems to have no bad luck.
This is a bitter post I know, but I need a place to start so that hopefully I will move forward.

At a Loss for Words

We lost our baby last night. It's a little hard right now.

This will be Kylie's new quote to her friends....

Pitbull Practice Game

Weston had his first taste of playing football today at their practice game. They are definitely young and new to this. And I can't say much for the head coach (who is new, but I don't think that's the issue), so hopefully we will see some improvement in the near future. The kids had fun and are eager to play and I just don't want to see that diminish. I know how down these kids can get if they don't get a taste of a win every now and then.
I am starting to experience some early pregnancy symptoms, but nothing major at all. That totally scares me! I guess I am anticipating what is likely to come and what did come the last two times, but I haven't really been that sick at all. Maybe mildly queasy about 3 or 4 times, but NOTHING like the last two times. How many people can say they WANT to puke? I just know that morning sickness is a sign of all things flowing right, so I guess I am just nervous. I have my ultrasound in about 3 weeks, so maybe that will help calm some nerves! But until then I am gonna drive myself crazy. I was talking to another lady who had a baby about 8 months ago and she said she was the same way. You just want some confirmation this thing is real when the the symptoms aren't showing up yet. I guess I need to be thanking my lucky stars instead of griping, huh? But every pregnancy is different, so I may not get sick with this one!
Tomorrow we are cleaning out the back bedroom and trying to sort things into garage sale, kids' sale, trash, and storage in a hope to get rid of some of the junk back there. I really need to find my extra bedroom so that I can get started on getting it ready for the little one. Trust me it's gonna take 9 months to clean that room out! Ha!

The Rainiest August Ever!

I think it is going to continue to rain and rain until we all wash away. It's August! We are supposed to have burn bans, sweat to death, etc and we are drowning! But the break from the heat is such a welcomed relief!
Anyway, Kylie has been telling her friends she's getting a new sibling. She told Savannah the other day that her Mommy "has a real live baby in her belly!" I thought that was cute! Savannah wants one now but her Mom told her she got a puppy for her birthday instead!
I still haven't gotten too sick yet--I know I need to start BANGING on wood really quick because my day is coming! I have been mildly queasy a few times, but nothing that eating doesn't cure. The only strange symptom was this morning when I was dizzy as I got out of bed. It wasn't really dizzy--it was more like the room was sideways and wouldn't straighten out. Very weird! But a few minutes later and I was great.
I had an HCG test done because I guess I am trying to convince myself this thing is real--and it is. My levels were great, so no problems so far. Just keep praying everyday that the baby is healthy!
Well, I am sleepy--another sign of my impending future. So, I think I will kick back and relax before the chaos in the house begins!

Night Before School Starts

'Twas the night before school starts and all through the house, not a thing is ready and Mom is stressed out! I can't believe it's already time for school to start!
I called Kylie yesterday on her birthday to wish her happy birthday since I didn't get to be with her on her birthday. Richie and I spent the weekend at Big Cedar with my coworkers for our annual work retreat. I hated missing her birthday but the girl really made out like a bandit on the parties aspect! She had her slumber party a few weeks ago and then her Dad had a party for her on her actual birthday. Anyway, I also told her I had another birthday present for her and told her I am having a baby. She was in the car with a friend of hers headed to a "make-up" party and she yells, "Caroline, my Mom's gonna get a baby maybe!" It was hilarious! She then preceded to ask me when I was getting the baby and to make sure it was a girl. (BTW, Weston is adamant that it is a boy!) When she came home tonight, she stormed through the door and asked, "Where's the baby?" I told her that it wasn't here yet so she said, "when are you going to go get it?" This pregnancy is going to be like no other with these kids. The last time I was pregnant, Weston was only a year and a half to two years old. He went around telling everyone he had a baby in his pocket which was hilarious, too. This pregnancy will also be a long one for the kids, too. I have a feeling they will forget a few times before I start showing.

Baby Mama

Wednesday night was a weird night. I can't think of any other word to describe it. The day started getting weird around 2 pm. I was sitting in a doctor's office listening to him and all of the sudden my head just started throbbing and throbbing. I couldn't hardly focus on what he was saying. My eyes hurt and I was about an hour and a half from home. Great, I thought. I have to drive home with a massive headache. The drive wasn't too bad--my audiobooks are really helping the time fly by. But, when I got home I was ready to go to bed. The headache was starting to make me sick to my stomach too. Great--a migraine. I haven't had a migraine in a long time! I went in and put my stuff away and just planted myself in the chair for the night. Then, the nausea set in. I ate dinner thinking I would feel better, but after an hour and a half, it was worse. And my head wasn't getting any better. I went to bed, but never went to sleep. And about 10:30 pm, I started throwing up. I threw up every 30 minutes until finally at 2 a.m., I woke Richie up and told him he had to take me to the ER. When we get to the ER, the doctor that walked in was a guy that Richie graduated with from high school. He came in and told me that he wanted to do a CAT scan before he gave me any pain medication. I asked for some nausea medicine first and so he left the room to get some. A few minutes later he came back and sat down. He asked if I requested that they do a pregnancy test when I came in. I told him no, but that I had told the nurse yes when she asked if there could be any chance I was pregnant since I wasn't late and hadn't started yet (there's always that chance ya know). He said, "Well, you're pregnant." WHAT? HUH? I then asked him if he was sure he had the right room! At this point, it was 3 a.m. and I thought I was having some sort of weird dream. The whole day had just been surreal. He said that he was in the right room and that more than likely I was having a migraine/nausea from the pregnancy. "But I am not even late yet!" Guess that doesn't matter!
So, I started the afternoon with a headache and ended the evening knocked up. I think I am still in shock.
The way I have it figured, I am due around April 26th. Pregnant--I don't feel pregnant yet though. Heck, it's been 7 years since I have been pregnant. I don't even remember what you can and can't eat! And I don't own a single baby item anymore! It's like starting completely over!
We have decided not to find out what it is. I have a boy and a girl. I think it will be awesome to know when we meet him/her!

Busy Week

I can't believe school is about to start next week--time sure flies these days. I stopped this afternoon and just paused when I realized it was already August--8 months into the year. This week is cram packed with school orientations, football and cheerleading practice and cake classes! Plus Richie and I leave Friday for Big Cedar for my work retreat. I am so excited and can't wait. I love going up there and staying in the cabins. This year just the two of us are going (last year we took the kids) and I am ready for a mini getaway. Friday night our group has a campfire cook-out scheduled. We get to ride in a chuck wagon to the campsite. Then Saturday we have pontoon and ski boats rented for the day which will be nice too. I won't last all day on the boat with my jacked-up back, but the good thing is that maybe that will leave time to float on the lazy river.
I heard some lyrics today that really made an impression on me. They are from George Strait's "Troubadour" song.

"Well, The truth about a mirror,
It's that a damn old mirrow
Don't really tell the whole truth,
It don't show what's deep inside.
Or read between the lines,
it's really no reflection of my youth."

These lyrics are kind of deep. I had to really sit and ponder their meaning for awhile. You know we are all walking around in ever-changing "shells" and what is reflected on the outside is never really the same as who we really are. Sometimes I still feel like a little girl who craves to jump out there at my daughter's cheerleading practice and join in the band routines (which by the way are the SAME ones we did several years ago!). I long for those days when someone took care of me--was responsible for me. Now it's on my shoulders. And sure I resemble the typical Mom these days (minus the Suburban and PTO button however), but really I am still that little girl who misses the carefree days of lying in front of the TV watching Kids Incorporated and Mickey Mouse Club. Don't laugh! I don't think we ever really grow up inside. Deep down we are all young troubadours masquerading as parents, wives, and employees longing to take off running to the sidelines of the football fields to join in the Fight Song!

Jordan Turns 21!

It's hard to believe that my baby brother is turning 21. I feel so old! I made his birthday cake for his party this weekend. My mom picked out a "Medieval Castle" cake that has a Legos look to it and she found a few of his old Legos men from a medieval collection that we used to decorate the cake. I thought that the cake turned out well and have to say I am happy that's over. It seems like the only cakes I've done lately are the most difficult! But I guess that's great practice--the easier ones will seem that much easier!

The Icing on the Cake

I have been given a tremendous blessing and am inheriting a great wedding cake business from a family friend! She has decided to get out of the wedding cake business since her new restaurant has opened and is doing great! So, I get to try out my hands at a cake business! I have my first wedding cake in September and am in the process of establishing a website and creating some business cards. Currently, I am going to call the business "Party Pastries" and will include homemade pies and decorated cookies in the business as well. I am really excited to have a hobby that could earn me a little extra money but more importantly is tons of fun.
I had the pleasure of catering with this lady on Saturday and realized how much I miss catering and would love to do it more often. But having the cake opportunity is more than enough right now. I am still in cake classes and may even repeat a few of them if one of the really good teachers returns soon (she's been on a medical leave). That teacher does wedding cakes professionally and I know she would have some great tips and tricks.
So, here's to the icing on the cake!