Thank you

First I want to tell everyone thank you for their well wishes, phone calls, flowers, dinner and thoughtful words. It's great to have such supportive and compassionate people around us. It's a hard time, but everyday gets a little better. I have debated whether or not I wanted to write about my feelings on here, but I decided to go ahead and write a little bit. It's not really for anyone reading it, but more for me. I hope to read this post one day and realize how far I have come because today I can't imagine a time when I feel at peace with this. I think I have had every feeling imaginable. I am currently not on speaking terms with God. Maybe that sounds harsh, but when you weren't expecting something and get a surprise only to have it ripped from you, it's hard to understand. I sincerely appreciate people thoughts and prayers, but when someone tells me they are going to pray for me and my family, my first response is to ask, "why?". I prayed everyday that I knew I was pregnant, yet it was in vain. I was in even surprisingly calm for me and didn't get worried and anxious over the slightest little twinge or the absence of symptoms. I actually thanked God for making it so easy on me. But deep down, I thought something was wrong. Yet, I trusted God and prayed everyday. Yes, I know I have two healthy kids. I have been reminded by people during this and I wouldn't trade them for anything. But Richie doesn't have any and I want him to know that awesome feeling of holding something that you had a hand in creating. Something that wouldn't exist without you. I just get so frustrated that someone that doesn't even want a baby is able to get pregnant, that a woman who could care less about the child during pregnancy so she smokes, drinks, etc. And then the people that are blessed with kids only to abuse them and neglect them. And what about the people that don't even believe in God and they have kid after kid after kid? Why?
Plenty of people have told me that this miscarriage is God's way of taking care of something that wouldn't have been healthy. Well, why couldn't he have made it healthy? He can do all things right? He's perfect right? Then why do we have to suffer through imperfection? What good is it for me to experience this loss? So that I can help others through it? Why not allow it to happen in the first place. I don't understand. No, I don't want to bring an unhealthy baby into this world only to watch it suffer and see how cruel our world can be by the way they would treat it.
I just get so sick of seeing everyone else get blessing after blessing and chance after chance. I feel like I have busted my butt with nothing to show compared to the person down the road who seems to have no bad luck.
This is a bitter post I know, but I need a place to start so that hopefully I will move forward.

At a Loss for Words

We lost our baby last night. It's a little hard right now.

This will be Kylie's new quote to her friends....

Pitbull Practice Game

Weston had his first taste of playing football today at their practice game. They are definitely young and new to this. And I can't say much for the head coach (who is new, but I don't think that's the issue), so hopefully we will see some improvement in the near future. The kids had fun and are eager to play and I just don't want to see that diminish. I know how down these kids can get if they don't get a taste of a win every now and then.
I am starting to experience some early pregnancy symptoms, but nothing major at all. That totally scares me! I guess I am anticipating what is likely to come and what did come the last two times, but I haven't really been that sick at all. Maybe mildly queasy about 3 or 4 times, but NOTHING like the last two times. How many people can say they WANT to puke? I just know that morning sickness is a sign of all things flowing right, so I guess I am just nervous. I have my ultrasound in about 3 weeks, so maybe that will help calm some nerves! But until then I am gonna drive myself crazy. I was talking to another lady who had a baby about 8 months ago and she said she was the same way. You just want some confirmation this thing is real when the the symptoms aren't showing up yet. I guess I need to be thanking my lucky stars instead of griping, huh? But every pregnancy is different, so I may not get sick with this one!
Tomorrow we are cleaning out the back bedroom and trying to sort things into garage sale, kids' sale, trash, and storage in a hope to get rid of some of the junk back there. I really need to find my extra bedroom so that I can get started on getting it ready for the little one. Trust me it's gonna take 9 months to clean that room out! Ha!

The Rainiest August Ever!

I think it is going to continue to rain and rain until we all wash away. It's August! We are supposed to have burn bans, sweat to death, etc and we are drowning! But the break from the heat is such a welcomed relief!
Anyway, Kylie has been telling her friends she's getting a new sibling. She told Savannah the other day that her Mommy "has a real live baby in her belly!" I thought that was cute! Savannah wants one now but her Mom told her she got a puppy for her birthday instead!
I still haven't gotten too sick yet--I know I need to start BANGING on wood really quick because my day is coming! I have been mildly queasy a few times, but nothing that eating doesn't cure. The only strange symptom was this morning when I was dizzy as I got out of bed. It wasn't really dizzy--it was more like the room was sideways and wouldn't straighten out. Very weird! But a few minutes later and I was great.
I had an HCG test done because I guess I am trying to convince myself this thing is real--and it is. My levels were great, so no problems so far. Just keep praying everyday that the baby is healthy!
Well, I am sleepy--another sign of my impending future. So, I think I will kick back and relax before the chaos in the house begins!

Night Before School Starts

'Twas the night before school starts and all through the house, not a thing is ready and Mom is stressed out! I can't believe it's already time for school to start!
I called Kylie yesterday on her birthday to wish her happy birthday since I didn't get to be with her on her birthday. Richie and I spent the weekend at Big Cedar with my coworkers for our annual work retreat. I hated missing her birthday but the girl really made out like a bandit on the parties aspect! She had her slumber party a few weeks ago and then her Dad had a party for her on her actual birthday. Anyway, I also told her I had another birthday present for her and told her I am having a baby. She was in the car with a friend of hers headed to a "make-up" party and she yells, "Caroline, my Mom's gonna get a baby maybe!" It was hilarious! She then preceded to ask me when I was getting the baby and to make sure it was a girl. (BTW, Weston is adamant that it is a boy!) When she came home tonight, she stormed through the door and asked, "Where's the baby?" I told her that it wasn't here yet so she said, "when are you going to go get it?" This pregnancy is going to be like no other with these kids. The last time I was pregnant, Weston was only a year and a half to two years old. He went around telling everyone he had a baby in his pocket which was hilarious, too. This pregnancy will also be a long one for the kids, too. I have a feeling they will forget a few times before I start showing.

Baby Mama

Wednesday night was a weird night. I can't think of any other word to describe it. The day started getting weird around 2 pm. I was sitting in a doctor's office listening to him and all of the sudden my head just started throbbing and throbbing. I couldn't hardly focus on what he was saying. My eyes hurt and I was about an hour and a half from home. Great, I thought. I have to drive home with a massive headache. The drive wasn't too bad--my audiobooks are really helping the time fly by. But, when I got home I was ready to go to bed. The headache was starting to make me sick to my stomach too. Great--a migraine. I haven't had a migraine in a long time! I went in and put my stuff away and just planted myself in the chair for the night. Then, the nausea set in. I ate dinner thinking I would feel better, but after an hour and a half, it was worse. And my head wasn't getting any better. I went to bed, but never went to sleep. And about 10:30 pm, I started throwing up. I threw up every 30 minutes until finally at 2 a.m., I woke Richie up and told him he had to take me to the ER. When we get to the ER, the doctor that walked in was a guy that Richie graduated with from high school. He came in and told me that he wanted to do a CAT scan before he gave me any pain medication. I asked for some nausea medicine first and so he left the room to get some. A few minutes later he came back and sat down. He asked if I requested that they do a pregnancy test when I came in. I told him no, but that I had told the nurse yes when she asked if there could be any chance I was pregnant since I wasn't late and hadn't started yet (there's always that chance ya know). He said, "Well, you're pregnant." WHAT? HUH? I then asked him if he was sure he had the right room! At this point, it was 3 a.m. and I thought I was having some sort of weird dream. The whole day had just been surreal. He said that he was in the right room and that more than likely I was having a migraine/nausea from the pregnancy. "But I am not even late yet!" Guess that doesn't matter!
So, I started the afternoon with a headache and ended the evening knocked up. I think I am still in shock.
The way I have it figured, I am due around April 26th. Pregnant--I don't feel pregnant yet though. Heck, it's been 7 years since I have been pregnant. I don't even remember what you can and can't eat! And I don't own a single baby item anymore! It's like starting completely over!
We have decided not to find out what it is. I have a boy and a girl. I think it will be awesome to know when we meet him/her!

Busy Week

I can't believe school is about to start next week--time sure flies these days. I stopped this afternoon and just paused when I realized it was already August--8 months into the year. This week is cram packed with school orientations, football and cheerleading practice and cake classes! Plus Richie and I leave Friday for Big Cedar for my work retreat. I am so excited and can't wait. I love going up there and staying in the cabins. This year just the two of us are going (last year we took the kids) and I am ready for a mini getaway. Friday night our group has a campfire cook-out scheduled. We get to ride in a chuck wagon to the campsite. Then Saturday we have pontoon and ski boats rented for the day which will be nice too. I won't last all day on the boat with my jacked-up back, but the good thing is that maybe that will leave time to float on the lazy river.
I heard some lyrics today that really made an impression on me. They are from George Strait's "Troubadour" song.

"Well, The truth about a mirror,
It's that a damn old mirrow
Don't really tell the whole truth,
It don't show what's deep inside.
Or read between the lines,
it's really no reflection of my youth."

These lyrics are kind of deep. I had to really sit and ponder their meaning for awhile. You know we are all walking around in ever-changing "shells" and what is reflected on the outside is never really the same as who we really are. Sometimes I still feel like a little girl who craves to jump out there at my daughter's cheerleading practice and join in the band routines (which by the way are the SAME ones we did several years ago!). I long for those days when someone took care of me--was responsible for me. Now it's on my shoulders. And sure I resemble the typical Mom these days (minus the Suburban and PTO button however), but really I am still that little girl who misses the carefree days of lying in front of the TV watching Kids Incorporated and Mickey Mouse Club. Don't laugh! I don't think we ever really grow up inside. Deep down we are all young troubadours masquerading as parents, wives, and employees longing to take off running to the sidelines of the football fields to join in the Fight Song!

Jordan Turns 21!

It's hard to believe that my baby brother is turning 21. I feel so old! I made his birthday cake for his party this weekend. My mom picked out a "Medieval Castle" cake that has a Legos look to it and she found a few of his old Legos men from a medieval collection that we used to decorate the cake. I thought that the cake turned out well and have to say I am happy that's over. It seems like the only cakes I've done lately are the most difficult! But I guess that's great practice--the easier ones will seem that much easier!

The Icing on the Cake

I have been given a tremendous blessing and am inheriting a great wedding cake business from a family friend! She has decided to get out of the wedding cake business since her new restaurant has opened and is doing great! So, I get to try out my hands at a cake business! I have my first wedding cake in September and am in the process of establishing a website and creating some business cards. Currently, I am going to call the business "Party Pastries" and will include homemade pies and decorated cookies in the business as well. I am really excited to have a hobby that could earn me a little extra money but more importantly is tons of fun.
I had the pleasure of catering with this lady on Saturday and realized how much I miss catering and would love to do it more often. But having the cake opportunity is more than enough right now. I am still in cake classes and may even repeat a few of them if one of the really good teachers returns soon (she's been on a medical leave). That teacher does wedding cakes professionally and I know she would have some great tips and tricks.
So, here's to the icing on the cake!

Work, Work, Work--All Day Long!

I am officially back to work! We had a district meeting today and I have to admit that the sitting all day in the conference didn't fair well with the back. I am gonna admit it--I am going back too early. Ok, not too early, I have been off 8 weeks. However, if I had had some sort of treatment a lot sooner, I would be ready at this point. It's frustrating. I am really going to be sore and hurting for awhile I'm afraid. I just hope that next week's injections seal the deal! Cross your fingers!
Well, it's time to get Sleeping Beauty up from her nap and take her to her cheerleading swim party--wish me luck. She tends to be a hornet when you wake her!

Cut Up....

I got a haircut today--ok, I chopped my hair off! I go through these phases, you know cute cut, hate it 3 months later, then grow, grow, grow it out only to chop it off again. I went almost a year this time. I cut it last August about this short and haven't touched it since except for the few trims here and there. I was worried what Richie would think. It's short, but then again he likes it short. He's not into that down-to-your-butt hair stuff, so I had hope that he would be OK with it. I wasn't prepared for his reaction--he loved it! WHEW! It's cute today, but the true test is tomorrow when I have to fix it. Speaking of tomorrow, I finally return to work tomorrow after 2 months. I am nervous that I won't remember what to do. I mean my job entails talking and driving all day and I haven't had anyone to talk to in 2 months because I haven't left the house!
My friend Erika is in town from Florida for a month. She's helping her Mom with her new restaurant as she gets it opened and organized. Usually I don't get to see Erika when she comes in to town because she's only here for a few days, but this time she's staying longer and since it's not a holiday, she's not occupied with all the stuff to be done during holiday breaks. I told her that Kylie is my little Erika because of her fashion sense and love for dancing and having fun. They hit it off immediately when they met. The other day, Kylie saw some shoes that Erika had on and she said, "Where'd you get those shoes?!" Now, that statement isn't unusual except it's a 6 year old girl saying it--she's not supposed to have that much of a fashion sense yet! So, we are at the store the other day and Kylie stops dead in her tracks and yells, "MOM! Erika shoes!" She had found the little girl version of Erika's shoes and HAD TO HAVE THEM! Too funny! I am so in trouble.....

Dr. Seuss Cake

Here's the other cake I made this weekend--my hands were cramping from all the stars on this thing!!
But for only my second cake, it came out very well I think--I had a hard time finding a pan, but ended up using the "Topsy Turvy" Wilton pan for the "lop-sided cake". I am starting to get the hang of this thing. My Mom wants me to make a cake for my brother's party--it's a medieval castle. Bad part is that she wants buttercream icing, not fondant like the picture shows, so I am afraid of how it might turn out. But that's the fun part--the challenge of mastering the cake. However, I may age quickly from the stress of it all! My next cake class starts next Monday night, so maybe the practice from class will help me get more comfortable.
Also, I finally got the 4th of July pictures from the baseball game added to the post. It's under the "Franklin Not in the Cards" post!

It's My Party...I'll Cry if I Want to!

Kylie's slumber party went great! We had 6 girls show up and boy were they a hoot! They had a fashion show, watched movies at the "theater" and ate cake. I had a one group of girls go down fairly early and the other group didn't give up until 1:15 a.m.! Well, then the first group got back up at 6:30 a.m.! Needless to say I was exhausted and then I had to finish the cake for the baby shower that afternoon.
But back to the party--we only had one major meltdown and that was Kylie. I think she had a little too much princess in her. She started getting a little bossy and the girls started to break off and talk about other girls, so I put a stop to that REAL QUICK! Kylie wasn't happy about me getting up in her grill, but she was getting tired and cranky and I didn't want to have a bunch of girls melt down on me. The other girls behaved very well and overall I think everyone had a great time! Oh yeah, and her cake turned out great!!
Kylie had a lot of fun, but I think we'll put off another slumber party until she's 16! Ha!! :)
I was so worn out Saturday that I crashed that evening. My legs and body are sore-- this weekend was definitely strength training for returning to work!

Kick-Butt Cakes!

I am trying to make Kylie's birthday cake today and it is flat kicking my rear! I can't seem to do anything right these days and it is spreading into my cakes. She has picked out this lovely castle cake--but I am afraid when I get done with it, it's going to look like a shack in the ghetto. Nothing has worked--the icing was too runny, one of the cake layers crumbled. ARGH! I feel like the chick in the Bible who had everything she touched turn to salt. Ever since I hurt my back, I have found every other part of my body going to pot. Maybe it's the lack of use or the meds, but I am completely defunct. I am also making a cake for a relative's shower, but it may send me over the edge. Kylie is having her first slumber party for her birthday tomorrow night--I hope all goes well. I am not sure how many girls are showing up, but we've invited 8 (Kylie makes 9).....
Hopefully I can return to work next week, at least that's my plan. I am nervous though--afraid my back will crumble like that cake layer under the daily pressure of lifting, riding, bending. I love my job so much though--it kills me that I have something I like and my body won't cooperate. Oh well, I will go slow at it. Things around the house may be put on the back burner at that point. I think my family has gotten used to me being home and staying on top of the house, food, laundry, and even managing to clean out a few rooms, but that'll change when I go back. I can't do the job of 2 people and risk my back.
Well, back to baking--or beating--the cake!

Weston Plays Football

I am so proud of Weston! He has wanted to play football for the past couple of years and has been looking forward to 3rd grade when he was old enough to play. But as the date got closer, he was getting more and more nervous! So, last night when football camp started, I was worried as to how he would feel about it. And he did great! He's so scared of the new, unknown. But once he's past that bump, he's great! I know football may not be his best sport and that's OK--he's so good at basketball and baseball, so I know he's got other things to look forward to, but I really wanted him to give it a shot knowing he's been looking forward to the opportunity. The poor guy practiced so hard for two hours last night--he was hot, tired, and sweaty! And he crashed after dinner--he was worn out. But I think this will be good for him--it will definitely keep him active and it gives him something else to learn.
I watched The Tenth Circle movie last night. I haven't read the book, but I wasn't impressed with the movie. I think the book is probably good, but the movie just lacked a little something. Not sure what.
However, there was a great quote at the end of the movie that really sums up parenting.... "One wrong move and everything can shatter. That's what it feels like to watch your child grow up. You have to let go not knowing if she'll go to pieces or land softly. All you can is keep watch. All you can do is try your best to break her fall." How true. Many parents want to take credit for all they did to get their kids to turn out the way they are. But I think the letting go aspect of parenting is the most important. That's when the lessons are used. That's when the true test begins. And that's when the parents learn something--that their child is her own person.

Injected!

Well, I finally got an injection in my back--boy, was that an experience. The doctor stuck a needle in my back in several places with the help of an x-ray. He then moved it around until it hurt. And boy, did it hurt! Once he found the sore spot, he injected some medicine. I can tell a difference, but man am I sore! It feels like someone kicked me in the back and I have a huge bruise. It hurts to sit a certain way or stand for very long. However, I can bend over, but just not side to side. I go back for Round 2 after the first of August.
The pain doctor was very good--he really explained the situation. And it makes sense--the sad part is that it is exactly what I read about while I was in the hospital but could never get a doctor to listen to me. Anyway, that old cheerleading injury from the 9th grade....well, it's back to haunt me. Basically, the doctor told me I am getting old--told ya 30 was gonna hurt!
Weston and Kylie are going to Bible School at my cousin's church and they are having a ball! They are learning life skills--cooking, first aid, nature, etc.
Well, that's about all I know right now--just sore and tired!

Franklin not in the Cards

Well, meeting Ryan Franklin just wasn't in the cards for us over the holiday weekend. Weston was pretty upset, but I think he enjoyed the game overall. Our seasts were 5 rows from the VERY top! Talk about a view of the whole stadium! Richie really enjoyed the game--of course, the Cubs won! We also got to see Pujols hit his 300th home run!! The whole holiday weekend was nice though. We took the kids to a local parade and carnival before heading off to the game on the 4th. I was so proud of Weston--he rode the Ferris Wheel! That is a huge accomplishment for him! Kylie though was the brave one--she rode a ride called the Viper and got on the Simulator ride at my parents' skating rink! The Simulator did multiple loops (yes, upside down kind of loops), yet Kylie smiled the whole time! I was amazed--I knew she was brave, but she took the meaning of brave to a whole new level for a 5 year old girl! I will try and get some pictures up very soon...
Our first set of accomodations had a little humorous twist to them. We arrived at the RV Park where my parents were staying and my Dad had booked a quaint little cabin for us. The cabin was nice--modest, but nice. It had a bedroom (ok, don't let your imagination go too far, the word bedroom in this case is used to represent a 6.5' X 6' room), living room (keep the information I just gave you in mind), a dining room, and a bathroom. However, upon first inspection--at 11:30 pm--we found no mirror in the whole place. And no bathroom sink. Weird. All that other stuff (small, but at least it covered the basics), but no mirror? So, the next morning, Richie set out to the office of the RV park to ask about the situation and possibly purchase a handheld if necessary. Well, he comes back empty-handed. So, I ask, where's the mirror? With no change in expression on his face, he walks over to the bedroom door and closes it. And there, tucked nice and neat behind the door was a small nook that held the bathroom sink and mirror! It was funny! How did we miss that?
Overall, we had a great time. It was nice to get out of the house that I have been stuck in for 6 weeks. I was ready to see the light of day!

Cardinal Bound

Well, just a couple more hours and we are heading north to St. Louis! We are going to the Cardinals game tomorrow night and then heading up to see my parents' skating rink! There is a good possibility the kids will get to meet Ryan Franklin (the closer for the Cardinals) if things go well. Weston is very excited to get to meet a real MLB! And Mom is excited too! It's always fun to meet someone of "celebrity" status! Hopefully I will have pictures to post when I get back!
Nothing else exciting going on around the house--just packing, cleaning and trying to make sure I don't forget anything.
Here is a picture from Florida of the kids when they went with their Dad and Angela a couple of weeks ago also. The kids had such a great time in Florida. In fact, Kylie said she wants me to go with them next year....we'll see how that works out! :)
I would like to take them to Orlando next year though to Disney World. I have always wanted to take them when they're 7 and 9. I think it will be great ages--the magic is still alive, yet they are big enough to ride some of the rides too.

Gettin' the hang of it!

Weston has made a huge recovery in the retainer area--he is doing awesome! We had about 2 1/2 days of pouting, slobbering, and anything possible to resist wearing it. But he had a change of heart finally (or he realized Mom wasn't giving in) and he has decided he can do it. The retainer is for 1 tooth--he has a cross-bite and that tooth has actually moved in front of the other tooth already! It's been just at one week and he has kept it in costantly except when eating. I am so proud of him!
He's even taken it a step further and been a wonderful kid by doing the dishes and other "work" that he asks for around the house.
Well, I went back to the neurologist yesterday. I have to go for some injections in my back and I sure hope they help alleviate the pain. I was told I couldn't go back to work until August. I will probably go stir-crazy by then! But I still hurt and I ended up pulling a muscle in my shoulder/neck. It's not directly related to my back, but I am so weak right since I haven't exercised in a month.
We leave for St. Louis on Thursday for the baseball game and then we are heading north to see my parents' skating rink. The kids haven't seen it yet, so I know they will be excited to see it and get to skate.
That's about all for this evening!